Call me

For some people, getting the physical intimacy they want out of a relationship, when they want it, is pretty easy. One call or text message, and your lover is on their way over for a quick bit of sexytime (or you’re on your way to their place, or to your secret love den, or what have you). Granted, sometimes you have to delay sex for commitments like class or work, but in terms of distance to cover before you can get down, you don’t have much to worry about.

However, other people find themselves in relationships where the object of their love and desire lives in another city, state or country. For those folks, there’s likely to arise a situation in which you’re all riled up but your partner is many miles away. If this describes a scenario you’re currently in, or may find yourself in in the future, then today’s column is for you. Because we’re going to go over a few ways to keep things sexy in a long-distance relationship.

The main option we’ll discuss is a classic: phone sex. Now, I don’t advise this as the first thing you do when you get on the line with your long-distance lover. You may be in the mood, but they may have just had an awful day and need to vent before they even consider anything sexy. One good approach is to send saucy text messages throughout the day, so that when the time to call rolls around you’ve both got sex on the brain.

Once you know phone sex is imminent, it’s a good idea to prep yourself. This includes the essentials, like charging your phone and making sure any toys you’ll use on yourself are clean and ready to go. But you also want to prep by making yourself feel sexy. So put on that pair of underwear that flatters your assets (or the shirt that makes you feel like a sex deity/socks that make you feel naughty/you get the point) and turn on the mood music.

Once on the phone, it’s okay to feel a little silly or nervous (especially if it’s your first time trying this). But, as I’ve said before, you want to embrace that silliness and then move past it. Just keep telling yourself that you are one hot, confident piece of what have you, and that you don’t give a damn what you look/sound like to some hypothetical observer.

If you’re stuck on what to say, try asking questions that set up a descriptive response. “What are you wearing?” works well (no, really), as do phrases like, “What are you thinking about?” or “What would you do to me if I were standing in front of you?”

If you’re the one being asked the questions, make your responses as vivid and detailed as you can (feel free to embellish as you think necessary). Once you get going, be as vocal as wall-thickness and proximity of roommates will allow, and don’t stop until you’re both satisfied.

If you’re craving a more visual way of connecting to your faraway love, there is the option of using things like Skype for video sex. The same tips apply to this activity that apply to phone sex, particularly the ones about dressing to make yourself feel confident and sexy. When setting up, pay attention to lighting to ensure that the image will go through clear.

A few caveats on Skype sex. First, make sure you have a very strong, reliable internet connection, or you’re going to be having sex that’s slow and stuttery. Second, there are attachments for Skype that allow you to record the conversation.

Now, if you and your partner talk it over and decide you want to record your sexytime for future use, that’s between you two. However, I would like to remind you that there is a special place in hell for those who record their sexual partners without their consent. If you think there’s even a chance your partner qualifies for that special hell, don’t have Skype sex with them.

I hope this column has given you some ideas on how to be sexy when you can’t be physical. Of course, these tips work great regardless of how close to the object of your desire you live. However, if you are far away from your love, these tips should keep your sex life going strong until the next time you can get your hands on each other.

SAM WALL really had to resist putting a “Firefly” reference in this column. Email sewall@ucdavis.edu for details.

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