The incredibly active Facebook page UC Davis Confessions seems like it’s updated every few minutes with a new anonymous “confession” from a UC Davis student. We’re inspired. That page garnered over 2,000 likes in just a few weeks, so in an effort to make our own California Aggie page more likable, here are some of our own confessions: We’re kind of gross. And by gross, we mean our-office-floors-just-got-cleaned-for-the-first-time-since-the-1970s kind of gross. There’s a sign on the refrigerator that says we clean it every Friday, but that is not the case. There’s still a gingerbread house sitting in the freezer from nearly four years ago, and it’s too late to throw it out now. We’re emotionally attached. We also have a bagel that’s been hanging from the ceiling for as long as anyone can remember. The fact that it’s not even moldy still frightens us. Our office is nearly as old as those in “Mad Men,” but nowhere near as stylish. We have borderline antique Danish designer furniture in our newsroom.... ...

Last Friday, the Unit Relocation and Space Allocation Committee announced that Entertainment Council (EC) would be moving to the basement of Lower Freeborn. Creative Media will be taking over EC’s current office. The editorial board would like to formally welcome our new neighbors. Welcome to the dungeon. We’ve got fun and games. While we already have two neighboring ASUCD media units — KDVS and AggieTV — we are excited to welcome a new member to our exclusive club. We know the idea of moving to the basement is scary. It’s dark. Isolated. Lonely. BUT. There are pros to working (living) in the basement. You will never get skin cancer. There is no sunlight in the basement, and while you may start to look like a vampire, skin damage is nearly impossible. Another pro: free concerts. You know how bands do sound checks before they go on stage? Guess what this basement is located under. That’s right. Freeborn Hall. Where big name artists like Snoop Dogg, CAKE and Steve Aoki have... ...

In my anthropology class, I sit directly behind someone who, instead of taking notes on the dental structure of primates, watches porn. As the amount of students sitting behind him grows, so does my curiosity about porn. Does it hold any serious value? Pornography has always carried the social stigma of “appealing to baser needs.” The Kama Sutra was banned in the United Kingdom during the nineteenth century. Erotic literature is important as it increases both sexual knowledge and confidence. Although the Kama Sutra is the favorite of many bibliophiles and sexual beings today, it is still considered to be a slightly taboo text in contemporary America — quite impressive for an almost two-thousand year old book. Today’s erotic images are similar to those uncovered in the ruins of well-preserved Pompeii. The first century city was similar to our modern day Vegas, except what happened in Pompeii truly stayed in Pompeii. The images painted on bathhouse walls of nude people engaged in sexual acts were designed not only to excite... ...

My heart is beating frantically. Sweat beads profusely on my brow. There’s an ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach. My asshole puckers to stay shut. I rush through a door and make a mad dash to the nearest rectangular stall. Once inside I pause and inhale a long draught of respite. I’m stopped mid-breath by the ghastly spectacle before me. My eyes widen in an odd combination of sheer terror and amazement. Like two koi fish in a lily pond, I see two extremely large shits floating languidly in the toilet bowl. The piss in the bowl is on the brink of overflowing. It’s the kind of color that can’t be achieved by a single person’s urine, oh no. I know what you were expecting. You were expecting a fistful of spine-tingling Halloween-related horror stories. Alas, I am unfortunately a fucking pussy and am deathly afraid of anything even vaguely tangential to ghosts, demons, poltergeists, leprechauns, squids, flying saucers — you get the idea. But who said I... ...